I dont know how to move on.

Re: I dont know how to move on.

Selena Carnell — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 07:42:45 GMT

Are you still with your husband? have you managed to talk about thinks yet or is he avoiding it.

You need to talk talk talk in a replationship, maybe he is trying to spare you more heart ache by saying no kids if you have been trying for long. But if your long term goal is to have kids and he really doesn want them, then i think its going to be hard to reach any compromise.

Might be time to move on.

Re: I dont know how to move on.

Juliet Drummond DAVN (med) RVN D32/33 — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 22:01:47 GMT

[quote user="lone bird"]she went onto say how she doesnt understand how it happened and shes very big already and how expensive it will be. And shes worried about her health and didnt want to fall pregnant.[/quote]

how bloody insensitive can a person be??

Re: I dont know how to move on.

lone bird — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 20:45:23 GMT

Have I moved on?

I really dont know, kind of thought I was doing ok,counting my blessings, being thankful but tonight Im just awful.

I just heard from a not v close friend shes pregnant. Shes one of the people that moans all the time,she tends to lower my mood on a good day so I try to limit contact with her.

She knows I have struggled with the family issue yet she contacted me to say and I quote, 'ive got good news for you im pregnant'.

She has only been with her partner since Jan/Feb at the earliest. And she went onto say how she doesnt understand how it happened and shes very big already and how expensive it will be. And shes worried about her health and didnt want to fall pregnant.

Im sorry but I wanted to scream at her. I felt she was rubbing my face in it- sorry but I told her Id love to be in her situation. I dont think she even registered that Id spoken and carried on talking.

I feel quite sick, quite angry and want to hide under a stone. I actually feel like the evilest witch on the earth but I just want to avoid her- I dont think I can deal with her moaning.

Re: I dont know how to move on.

Vicky RVN — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 21:22:03 GMT

Re: I dont know how to move on.

lone bird — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 21:19:15 GMT

And every ruddy tv programme (or it feels like it) has couples trying for kids or happy pregnant people in them. Im trying to be as busy as possible so I dont think, just feels like Im a big joke.

Re: I dont know how to move on.

Rachel Jayne — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 00:48:01 GMT

I've been trying to 6 months now with no luck & it seems like everyone around me is pregnant or has a little one, so I understand your jealousy. I very nearly completely fell out with my sister in law recently when she announced she was pregnant after having been trying for the same time as us, it's awful, such a deep resentful feeling.

I don't quite know what to say with regard to your partner that probably hasn't been suggested already, he obvioulsy has some issues that need working through, shame he refused counselling...

Re: I dont know how to move on.

Vicky RVN — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 18:37:40 GMT

I don't really know there is anything i can say that will help. I just wanted to send you this and say that i hope everything works out for you in the end x

Re: I dont know how to move on.

lone bird — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 19:56:25 GMT

Its a relief to talk about it. Thank you all.

Re: I dont know how to move on.

Caro Laithwaite VN — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 17:20:26 GMT

As a non liking child person l can not understand the want to have kids however.

There is 2 ways to look at it
1) It seems that your husband was willing to put his feelings aside for you and your wanting kids for several years. Perhaps he should have been honest upfront but he also loved you and was willing to try.

That can only stretch so far and it could be that the pain he sees you going through is just to much and he feels by being honest it may help you move on with life.

2) He does want kids but seeing what you are going through feels the best way to help youis to say what he has.

I agree with comments that you need counciling. I would not push for your husband to join you if he wants it he must seek it himself. You are the one with the psychological problems in that your emotions have exploded and you need help.To decide on how you will move forward from here, whatever the outcome.

Re: I dont know how to move on.

Yakko_19 — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 15:24:31 GMT

First of all, hang in there, psychologically, And be glad that you havent got kids already, because if you decide that maybe you and your partner are not meant to stay together, you will be glad there arent kids involved. I think the best thing you can do is get some counselling; either together AND seperate, or on your own. (if he wont go, go without him) I myself came out of a very long relationship last year, with a man that didnt want children - I wasnt exactly "clucky" but convinced myself that I would just wait until he was ready. It took a while for me to realise that we both wanted different things, and that after 14 years he still wasnt growing up (we were very young when we got together) and i am SO much better off without him.

I also know that people telling you to leave him isnt going to help you as such because i know for myself i didnt listen to advice like that when i heard it. You need to decide for yourself, as hard as it is. It might mean that you guys have a break, while you have the counselling? and who knows maybe the time apart will make him think about things, and get help for himself, or decide what he wants for sure. All i can say is dont just stay in the relationship waiting and waiting for things to just come right, because hes not likely to make any changes or efforts while he has you there, and no kids, hes got what he wants (or thinks he wants) so wont make any effort. If you move out for a while and he wants you back, hell think hard and see that you are serious.

you can just be honest with him, theres no harm, even though he wasnt honest with you, you are the better person. thank him for finally telling you his opinion, even though its rather late in the peace. Be glad that you didnt have kids "because he just went along with it". He needs to want them. and if he decides to change his mind cos youve seperated etc, dont just believe him. you need to see the differences in him, actions speak louder than words, and i know my ex promised me the world to get me back.....i just knew him better and could see that it was all talk, no action.

And seriously, dont stress about the kids, the time is just not right for you now.its not your fault, do what is right for you and your self respect, and things will just work out, please believe me, i know im a complete stranger, but if you ask anyone that knows me, theyll say im living proof. if you can find the courage and self respect to do what you know deep down is right, but are too scared to do it, then do it anyway, it will just work out.

I really hope this helps, because you need help to be strong :)

Re: I dont know how to move on.

Sal the 1st — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 15:20:26 GMT

do you have any mutual friends at all? is there anyway you could talk things through and have a friend take part ? Some people do find it very difficult to use relate or similar - some people feel like it is 'airing their dirty washing in public ' or some people feel like it is like admitting their relationship has fallen apart and is already beyond help. I think talking it through yourselves is the best bet but sometimes its hard to know where to start and its hard to stop angry feelings taking over and hurtful comments that arent really meant being made(hence having a mutual friend present to mediate). Its important that neither party feel pressurised into this sort of meeting.

Its really sad that your partner hasnt told you how he feels before this - have you ever had any inkling of this before? however small. You mention he is married to his work - how are things for him at the moment at work? is he worried for the future? is he worried about his job? is he worried if you were to have a family he couldnt provide for them? This may have influenced his decision?? or maybe its because he spends so much time at work that the pair of you have grown apart?

Do you know any other couple who have been trying for a baby for a long time - I know that sometimes there are local groups for this (CAB may be able to point you in the right direction if you dont know of them at the moment) and talking to some of them may be helpful to you.

I agree with previous post - see if you can get your GP to refer you to a counsellor - it can take a while to get in and can take a while to find the right one for you but it does help to talk things through. Its not self indulgent .

I wish you well for the future - pm me if you feel the need

Re: I dont know how to move on.

Sally Howe — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 14:55:48 GMT

I can't have children and my husband desperately wanted children. I've miscarried several times.

Everyone around me seems to be pregnant or have kids.

Theres not much more I can say which hasn't already been said. x x x

Re: I dont know how to move on.

Steph Phillips — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 14:47:38 GMT

Awww.. I really feel for you, really!! I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Your not on your own.. I've wanted another baby for years but keep miscarrying, and like you.. I get that raging jealousy feeling whenever I see a pregnant woman / baby advert / anything to do with babies.. it's a normal emotion to go through.. and you will get through it..

I was shocked to read how your partner is with all that your going through.. He should of told you, and in my opinion, it's pretty shallow of him, he should be your back bone! Have you tried sitting down together without any interuptions and you have your say? tell him exactly how your feeling, how he made you feel, and how you find yourself not coping.

Your mourning over the baby you want, and your feelings are totally rashional & normal. Dont beat yourself up over the way you feel. Dont bottle it up either. You can only bottle up so much, then the bottle breaks, which is why you need to talk - even if your partner wont talk - talk to a councellor.. or better still, talk to both if you can! You can get reffered to councelling through a GP.

I hope you get through this .. xxxx

Re: I dont know how to move on.

rebecca dawson — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 14:28:55 GMT

sounds like your worlds apart move on and be selfish get what you want, only get one stab at this life and he hasnt put you first at all, fair enough if he dosnt want kids but could have told you earlier.

Be strong you will find it tough at first but you will grow from this and be able to prove to your future kids what a strong independant woman you are (what a role model) dont go looking for Daddy though get new groups of friends have a ball and Mr Right will fall in your lap