Off Duty - boyf weight gain

RE: Off Duty - boyf weight gain

Celine — Sun, 12 Feb 2017 19:23:21 GMT

Emailed you (finally, sorry!!) X

RE: Off Duty - boyf weight gain

Scottywildcat — Fri, 10 Feb 2017 19:03:43 GMT

Would your boyfriend still be attracted to you if you piled on the weight? Or is he not bothered by that? Personally iv always found it amazing that women are expected to not care what a man looks like, to go more for his personality, if he makes her laugh and all that crap, yet men are accepted as being more shallow and 'visual'

Also I find it insulting and disrespectful if someone let's them self go even though their partner still makes an effort to stay in shape etc. There's nothing at all wrong with wanting someone who keeps fit if that's what you do yourself. Unless they can't help it, if they have an illness, that's a different story. But it sounds like your boyfriend has just got to a point where he doesn't care enough anymore, about his own health or about the possibility of losing you x

RE: Off Duty - boyf weight gain

VetNurse Anon a/c — Fri, 10 Feb 2017 17:19:34 GMT

Update...

I was in a coffee shop last week and a very fit, attractive guy started talking to me out of the blue. I turned him down for a date and didn't ask for his number.

I'm sure he has his pick of women and I can't get over that he spoke to me of all people. Maybe he speaks to women all the time!

The attention was flattering but I'm concerned that I'm thinking about him. Not a good sign for my relationship.

I never thought I could date someone who I've found instantly attractive. My sister says I should know my worth, and that this should be a wake up call for me in my current relationship. I know being chatted up once by someone attractive isn't the be all and end all but it's come at a time when I'm already questioning everything.

Am I turning a blind eye to the reality of my situation? Should I just accept that I can't make my boyfriend want to get fit, I find that unattractive and this difference in our lifestyle choices is a major one which might mean we are incompatible?

I haven't cried in years but yesterday I couldn't stop. I'm really struggling.

RE: Off Duty - boyf weight gain

enigmaticat-uk — Mon, 30 Jan 2017 17:44:41 GMT

This is always a tricky one. I'm sure he is well aware of the weight gain and as you have already talked to him about it, I would avoid hassling him too much. If he is going to lose weight, he has to want to do it. Is his job quite sedentary? if so that would probably explain why you don't gain weight and he does - vet nursing burns a lot of calories. If he has an office job there's probably lots of cake & biscuits around for temptation so possibly asking his co-workers to avoid bringing in sugary food might help. My husband is also overweight but hates the thought of the gym and cannot swim so he tries to do a lot of walking. His work is just over 4 miles away so he gets the bus in the morning and walks home in the evening. While he is still overweight, we at least feel that his level of health & fitness can't be too bad and he isn't gaining weight. He has also recently swapped his cereal to plain old shreddies (tesco own brand) to reduce sugar. Could you suggest going for walks together in the evening - this would keep him a bit more active and give him less time for drinking alcohol as this definitely contributes lots of calories.

RE: Off Duty - boyf weight gain

Sam.23 — Fri, 27 Jan 2017 08:50:21 GMT

I'd dig a little deeper, there could be something else going on that is contributing to this. Maybe have a chat and find out if there is something bothering him.

RE: Off Duty - boyf weight gain

Dreamcatcher — Thu, 26 Jan 2017 20:52:42 GMT

My partner has also put on a little weight.... our situation is different as it really bothers him (not so much me, although I want him to be healthy and feel good about himself). He can't really go to the gym as has a back and knee injury and won't go swimming (my other idea!) as feels so self conscious.

I'd imagine it's more difficult when your partner seems unaware/unwilling to change but a bit of gentle education about hidden calories has helped mine. My partner always ate really sugary cereals (massive bowls of the stuff) until I pointed out that it was crazy how much sugar was in them. He's also stopped having sugar in his tea as 4-5 cups a day soon mounts up. I do most of the cooking and the food ordering as he works late so try to stick to healthy meals (I'm currently doing veganuary actually so that's naturally lead to healthier meals for both of us). I avoid having anything in the house that's unhealthy but because he's out and about with work he does sneak in the odd Krispy Kreme! I'm tempted to send him out with an apple and healthy snacks but at the end of the day I'm not his mum so you have to draw the line somewhere.

It's the little changes that help. He still has a way to go and constantly moans he is fat but he has lost a bit!

RE: Off Duty - boyf weight gain

Sal the 1st — Thu, 26 Jan 2017 19:17:55 GMT

hope it works out for you both I used to have this with my late partner - we used to race sidecar and if he got too chunky it used to throw me out balance wise on the corners. He started losing weight once we started losing races

RE: Off Duty - boyf weight gain

VetNurse Anon a/c — Thu, 26 Jan 2017 14:17:33 GMT

[quote user="Sal the 1st"]His life , his choice I'm afraid.[/quote]

My choice to try to help him I guess. I care about him.

I generally don't mention his weight for fear of hurting him, again because I care. I try the healthy-eating-exercise tack but honestly I don't mention it that often.

[quote user="Sal the 1st"] You can't live their lives and they can't live yours, we are all individuals.[/quote]

I agree. I want to help him but if he won't help himself...

I'm not sure something has suddenly changed as his weight increase has been ongoing since we got together. Honestly? I think it's because he's happy. He's comfortable in our relationship and his job and he doesn't need to worry about what he eats or drinks because he's in a secure bubble. He's a storm-in-a-teacup guy so he doesn't hold on to stuff and he's terrible at hiding things.

[quote user="Sal the 1st"]In getting to the root cause it can be like peeling back the layers of an onion.[/quote]

I will try to look harder to see what it could be though. Thank you for your reply.

Arlo thanks again for taking the time to reply. These last few weeks I have started going to the local market to pick up fresh veg and make home cooked meals in large batches, and freeze them. I appreciate weight loss also takes time though.

[quote user="Arlo Guthrie"]Can you get your boyfriend interested in cooking?[/quote]

Good idea, I got him some new knives for Christmas so I should put him to work

He's very social so having pals over for food could definitely get him more interested in food (in the right way!).

Thanks for helping with my non-VN related problems

Will post any major updates...

RE: Off Duty - boyf weight gain

Arlo Guthrie — Thu, 26 Jan 2017 09:36:46 GMT

[quote user="VetNurse Anon a/c"]He's not even 30[/quote]

Which can also make things harder, because when you're in your twenties, you're invincible, so health arguments carry less weight (no pun intended).

The other thing I forgot to say about my diet is that it isn't really a diet at all. A diet kind of implies something you do for a short period of time, till weight is under control.

It'd be more accurate to say that I've just made changes to my diet, rather than being on a diet.

And if you have some control over his diet, maybe that's something you can do.

The changes I've made to my diet are:

a) Switch from predominantly meat to predominantly fish, and occasionally just vegetables. Tell you what, there are some great cookbooks which have come out recently which turn vegetables and salads into proper meals that even the most resolutely carnivorous bloke - like me - wouldn't turn down:

My favourite: River Cottage veg every day / Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall: https://www.amazon.co.uk/d/Books/River-Cottage-Veg-Every-Day/1408812126

Around the world in salads / Katie and Giancarlo Caldesi: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Around-World-Salads-ways-leaves/dp/0857833022

Plenty more / Yotam Ottolenghi: https://www.amazon.co.uk/d/Books/Plenty-More-Yotam-Ottolenghi/009195715X

I also find it helpful (though I suspect it is not cheap) to have weekly delivery of vegetables, which helps with the discipline of eating them. This company (https://www.abelandcole.co.uk) delivers a changing variety of stuff each week. Sometimes I'm not even sure what it is (or what to do with it), which adds to the interest/fun.

So many benefits for this approach. Much healthier / lower fat (or should be). Much better for the environment (which needs all the help it can get, now Trump is in charge).

b) Cut out excess sugar. It takes a bit of perseverance to cut sugar out of tea and coffee, but stick with it for a couple of weeks, and it works. Cut out fizzy drinks.

c) No ready-made meals. Just simple, good food with lots of interesting herbs and spices.

Maybe in all this lies another point. Can you get your boyfriend interested in cooking? I'm the chef in our house, and becoming a good cook is a really rewarding thing to do (we're always entertaining). If you can get him interested in cooking / entertaining friends, you might get him exploring these healthier options.

But maybe it's more of a middle-aged game!

RE: Off Duty - boyf weight gain

Sal the 1st — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 21:08:12 GMT

His life , his choice I'm afraid.

What does he do for a job? - has anything changed on that front recently?

Is he suffering from low self esteem at the minute? - in which case telling him about his weight may just be pushing it down a bit lower everytime you mention it. If its getting you down think how it could be affecting him?

If he was weighty, lost the weight and now is on the rebound again weight wise - what has changed? because sure as eggs is eggs something has. Maybe its the way he sees himself, maybe its the way he feels, maybe its the way you feel or the way you see him?

Is he the sort of person who would get fed up with people telling him so they do the opposite ie it might be a conscious or subconscious 'right she thinks I am fat - I'll show her fat'. An act of defiance if you like.

its a lot easier for somebody to make changes for themselves and their own benefit than it is for somebody to make changes for somebody elses benefit. You can't live their lives and they can't live yours, we are all individuals.

see if you can work out what has changed and how things can change again going forward - weight issues are very rarely simply just down to food/drink. In getting to the root cause it can be like peeling back the layers of an onion.

RE: Off Duty - boyf weight gain

VetNurse Anon a/c — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 20:54:29 GMT

[quote user="Celine"]Absolutely not judging you. My fiancée is very overweight too - feel free to PM me as would prefer to respond to this by PM x[/quote]

Thank you. I have messaged you with my email address.

[quote user="WelshyNurse"]I would be very concerned about the regular drinking in the evenings[/quote]

He doesn't drink to excess but it is a regular occurance

[quote user="Arlo Guthrie"]Long ramble, maybe there might be something useful in amongst it, though probably not![/quote]

Thanks for the long ramble! Definitely some things to take away... he loves statistics so maybe that's the way to go. He's not even 30 and this doesn't bode well if he wants to be well in his (our) long term future.

[quote user="Frankie Lees"]sometimes people need a catalyst to give them a kick up the bum to change.[/quote]

True. I've tried this tack before but maybe I should really put my foot down. I can't move out as we're a long way from home but I can certainly have serious words about our future together.

Thanks for the replies. Maybe he feels bad about himself too and he's just hiding behind beer and food. I'll try to spur him on and support him but if that doesn't work, time for 'the talk'.

RE: Off Duty - boyf weight gain

Frankie Nancy — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 07:38:00 GMT

I know it may sound bad but sometimes people need a catalyst to give them a kick up the bum to change.

Maybe if you leave him for a few days and go stay with a friend or threaten to go unless he changes. If you go and stay with a friend for some days and say you need space, quite often men realise they can't cope without you and then he will realise he has to do something because he will lose you if he doesn't - he doesn't have to know that actually deep down you probably wouldn't do this! (Because you love him) but you might just have to make him believe so..... it may work

good luck xxx

RE: Off Duty - boyf weight gain

Arlo Guthrie — Tue, 24 Jan 2017 18:52:09 GMT

[quote user="VetNurse Anon a/c"]I feel like there's only so much I can do for him[/quote]

Well, that's really the long and the short of it.

But here's my take on it as a semi-reformed serial (or cereal) over-eater. I'm also someone who is so inactive (largely because of my job), that I've thought about having my legs amputated, hollowed out and turned into umbrella stands. They'd be more useful that way.

Anyway, I finally decided I had to do something about weight last year. When I lost sight of my toes (actually, that wasn't the reason. The reason was that I hit 50, when suddenly you realise that if you want to hit 60, you're going to need to get in shape).

That's really the first point, which is that like smoking, it's a decision that can only be made by the person who needs to lose weight. No amount of pressure from people they know will make any difference.

But perhaps you can help them reach that decision by making sure they are exposed to the information they need, like making sure you leave the newspaper open on the page that says 'new study shows obesity is largest cause of premature death'.

As to losing weight, three things that have helped me:

a) It's mostly down to how much you eat. I'm on a very simple diet, which is the 'eat less diet'. This may sound obvious, but I am constantly surprised by the number of people who think the amount of exercise you take has much bearing on weight loss. It really doesn't make much difference unless you are doing one helluva lot of exercise.

b) Then it's just a question of 'what can I cut out'. I started by eliminating sugar from tea and coffee. Then I eliminated breakfast. Then I eliminated lunch. (OK, so by 5:00pm I'm looking for the cookie jar like a heroin addict trying to find a wrap, but I can't eat as much in one sitting as in three, so I've already won by then, even if I find the cookie jar!)

c) Gadgets. I've bought an internet-connected set of scales. Marketing blurb says people who weigh themselves daily tend to be more successful. Not sure if that is true, but seeing a graph of your progress is very helpful. http://www.withings.com/uk/en/store/details/body?gclid=CKCAj-m329ECFQ6eGwod06oKbg

Incidentally, I've now bought one of those watches with a step-counter, which also focuses the mind on whether or not you are moving about enough to stay healthy: http://www.withings.com/uk/en/products/activite-steel

Had it a couple of days, and not yet managed to reach the target of 10,000 steps per day, but certainly it is making me more conscious of the need to walk around. And I think you can set it to compete with other people.

As to everything else. Naaah, never listen to friends and family who say you aren't right for each other. Only you know that.

Long ramble, maybe there might be something useful in amongst it, though probably not!

RE: Off Duty - boyf weight gain

WelshyNurse — Tue, 24 Jan 2017 16:47:52 GMT

I would be very concerned about the regular drinking in the evenings

RE: Off Duty - boyf weight gain

Celine — Tue, 24 Jan 2017 16:25:38 GMT

Absolutely not judging you. My fiancée is very overweight too - feel free to PM me as would prefer to respond to this by PM x