Calling all wise women(and men)...

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Fiona Leathers — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 18:16:51 GMT

See!! You are almost there! Forget about being an evil step-mother and just have fun!!

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Heather Christie — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 12:36:54 GMT

[quote user="Bouncyfi"]

Most of all, enjoy being with her, you get to do things that may not be acceptable as a grown up, you can go to dodgy kids films, slide down chutes etc etc!!

[/quote]

Lol you're right there, already been to see Garfield2, Enchanted, St Trinians and Simpsons the movie with her. Also done cartwheels wiv her at Pontefract Castle and totally confused the man selling tickets for a dungeon tour, he couldn't decide if i was an adult or not (to be fair, i wasn't wearing any make up and that makes me look younger too).

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Naomi Jackson RVN — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 18:21:26 GMT

Well said Bouncyfi. The relationship between step children and parents is a lot more difficult than blood bonds and takes a lot of hard work. It can be rewarding and it can be heartbreaking as it can with your own children. Time will help and hopefully, lil.miss you will have a loving rewarding relationship with her (cant guarantee it though). I have now found that my step son can discuss things with me that he cant with either his mum or dad. Follow Bouncy.fi's advice and have fun with her and your partner.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Gillian Mostyn — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 18:07:12 GMT

[quote user="lil.miss.hc"]Gillian i believe i have already said that the child does not know how i feel about her. As far as she is concerned, i be nice to her and try to treat her how i feel she would like. I do not believe that being nice to someone is particularly unhealthy. If i mistreated her because of how i feel i could understand your view point but i treat her as well as i can.[/quote]

I am afraid the above statement makes my point - the child (because, at 12, she is very much a child) deserves parents, and step-parents, who WANT to be with her, help her through the difficult times she will have ahead and, as it will certainly interfere with their life, make sacrifices. In my book, that is the definition of parenthood.

I will leave the thread here because what you choose to do is obviously up to you, and it sounds like your mind is made up. I really hope you come to like her, and maybe love her one day, but if not, I personally feel the relationship is going to struggle. I wish you the best of luck though.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Sandra Taylor RVN, MBVNA — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 17:46:18 GMT

[quote user="lil.miss.hc"]Gillian i believe i have already said that the child does not know how i feel about her. [/quote]

I think you will find, maybe not now but later on, that she knows exactly how you feel no matter how much you think you have covered it up.

Children are very intuative, more so than adults at times, and they never miss a trick, believe me.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Fiona Leathers — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 16:39:38 GMT

As the mother of an 11 year old, I can sympathise with you. Unfortunately, nothing you will do or say will make the situation better, it will all take time. All you have to do is keep being nice, including her in everything,ignore any bad behaviour, but at the same time tell her why you're ignoring it, so she understands why the behaviour isn't acceptable.

Explain to her that you are not there to replace her mum or even be her friend, just someone who is sharing her dad's life whether she likes it or not. Do not have arguements with your OH over her, set fair rules with him, so you both know where you stand & how much you can disipline her.

Remember that children, especially girls of her age will say things to get a response or to be hurtful, but 24hrs they will have forgotten all about it. Do not rise to her level, when she is trying hard to push you over the line. "I hate you" is easily forgotten if a 12yo says it but its sounds very hurtful/childish from a 20-ish grown woman.

Do not get anxiousjealous if your OH is spending lots of time with her, he is her father & needs to do this, you will have him at nights & weekends & all the time when she out with her friends.

This is a huge moment in her life where everything is feels like it is against her, so be supportive and let insults/remarks bounce off!!

Most of all, enjoy being with her, you get to do things that may not be acceptable as a grown up, you can go to dodgy kids films, slide down chutes etc etc!!

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Heather Christie — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 14:25:49 GMT

Naomi i appreciate your open mindedness on this. I like how you can see it from both sides. It's a great quality to be able to see both sides of the story. I bet you're a great mom.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Heather Christie — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 14:20:58 GMT

[quote user="Gillian Mostyn"]There is no mistaking from the tone of her emails that she has no wish to be around her at all. Not a healthy environment for a child to be in. [/quote]

Gillian i believe i have already said that the child does not know how i feel about her. As far as she is concerned, i be nice to her and try to treat her how i feel she would like. I do not believe that being nice to someone is particularly unhealthy. If i mistreated her because of how i feel i could understand your view point but i treat her as well as i can.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Naomi Jackson RVN — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 15:43:25 GMT

Sometimes when children cause stress in a family it does feel like hate. Some children can deliberately cause problems although I aknowledge it can be attention seeking. Doing things as a family unit can help and trust me in time things will improve. Its will be hard as you are young yourself. Be patient with her and when you do have time on your own with your partner make it extra special. Also make sure that discipline is the same from both of you so that she doesnt get confused. I have been on both sides being a step child and having step children so i can see both sides. Try not to argue with your partner about her as this only causes greater rifts.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Mac Feather — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 18:02:40 GMT

[quote user="STRVN"]

The word hate did crop up

[/quote]

Sorry, I stand corrected.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Sandra Taylor RVN, MBVNA — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 12:28:59 GMT

The word hate did crop up

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Gillian Mostyn — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 12:18:10 GMT

I thought she had used that word - maybe she didn't. But she has made it clear that she doesn't like her at all, and called her a brat. There is no mistaking from the tone of her emails that she has no wish to be around her at all. Not a healthy environment for a child to be in.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Mac Feather — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 12:03:06 GMT

Im not sure lil miss h.c hates the girl. Hate is a strong word.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Gillian Mostyn — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 11:53:20 GMT

If the new partner doesn't really want to take an active part in their stepchilds life, that is fine - the child probably isn't looking for another parent anyway at 12 years old. But to say you 'hate' the child, in my view, means you shouldn't be around them at all. Although at 12 years old a child is growing up - can be stroppy, hard and generally unpleasant at times, they ARE still a child and need love and support more than they ever did. Often they are testing the world at this age and how they are treated by their adult role models matters immensely. If complete separation from one partner's child can be accomplished within a loving relationship that's fine - but I don't see how. Weekend visiting will certainly not solve the problem - and will no doubt cause resentfulness to fester. Afterall, most of us look forward to our weekends and so wouldn't want it 'ruined' by a child we 'hate'.

At the end of the day, most 20 year olds probably would not want to be a stepmum to a 12 year old - which is fair enough - but if you choose the father, you have to also choose the child.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Caro Laithwaite VN — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 01:34:48 GMT

If someone is happy with a partner and they have child issues with the spouses child l do not think that they should walk away. Something could be arranged around it if it is a case of the kid living with the mother and doing weekend visiting.

If it is full time then something would have to be worked out quite frankly l do not see why the couple should split up just because of the kids.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Heather Christie — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 22:13:10 GMT

That's what i'm scared of Naomi,i don't wanna lose him. A minimum 3/4 year stretch living with her seems like a lifetime tho....it's a long time when you're only 20.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Naomi Jackson RVN — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 17:00:31 GMT

Children have a habit of growing up and flying the nest without much of a backward glance. If you and a partner have something special its worth biting the bullet and coping until they have matured and grown. Otherwise you may just turn around and have a very lonely existance with huge regrets.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Gillian Mostyn — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 12:59:49 GMT

But that is what being a mother is all about. Take it or leave it. I would suggest that if you don't want to be a stepmother, do the child a favour and don't do it resentfully - walk away. For her sake.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Heather Christie — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 12:49:57 GMT

Looks like there's hope for me yet then, if you can grow to like someone else's kids. I've lived with my partner for 3 years and not liked his daughter at any point, but i think i'm better with her now than when i first had to be around her. I can tolerate her in small doses, especially when i'm in a good mood already. It's harder when i've had a bad day and just want to be left alone but she wants me to play board games with her or listen to her imitating Little Britain charachters.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Naomi Jackson RVN — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 09:59:53 GMT

Twelve is a really difficult age when hormones are on the move and rising. Have been in your position with my step children. I couldnt like my step son when he was that age no matter how hard I tried. He moved in with us a couple of years ago. The good news is we now get on well. Hes 17. However he does drive me grazy at times and probably always will. My partner is now having the same problems with my 13 year old as I had with his son. I can only hope things will change. Kids can be difficult at the best of times and somebody elses can be a lot worse than your own and out men into this mix and, well god help us all.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Mac Feather — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 22:27:11 GMT

You arent an idiot, ( im not meaning to sound like a moany old boot) just think maybe you need to figure what you want/need out of life.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Night — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 22:06:30 GMT

I don't think you sound bad at all. You are being honest that you don't want children and it sounds like the biggest problem is your relationship with your partner and by the sounds of it his relationship with his daughter. It's all very well him wanting her to stay with you both but is he going to do the parenting or leave you to do it?

Having been the 12 yr old where my stepfather tried to take on the Father role and the resulting arguements, family falling outs etc I can honestly say that that scenario very rarely works.

I think you need to be honest with yourself about where your relationship is going and what you want with your partner. After all if you are about to go to college you need to have a calm environment to live in or you will find the studying hard.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Heather Christie — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 21:40:59 GMT

[quote user="StephB"]Just to clarify I don't think you're an idiot.[/quote] I wasn't accusing anyone of calling me an idiot, i was just saying that, in general, if you are then other people are usually the first to see it and tell you about it.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 21:31:13 GMT

[quote user="lil.miss.hc"]

[quote user="heather mac"]quote] Tell me about it! I cant see my 'stuff' objectively at all, so I tend to be like a yo-yo, up n down. Thats the great thing about this forum, lots of people with lots of different experiences to share. [/quote]

Yeah, and as they don't know you they are qualified to give a completely unbiased and objective opinion. And point out when you're being an idiot!!

[/quote]

Just to clarify I don't think you're an idiot. I think you have some growing up to do, and you aren't giving yourself that time and the benefit of doubt. You deserve to be in a healthy supportive relationship, and it's not your responsibility to look after this child at the end of the day. It's his. Just because you feel bad for her or you think he can't help it isn't a good enough reason to over stretch yourself which will in the end only hurt you and the others involved in the long run.

Re: Calling all wise women(and men)...

Heather Christie — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 21:04:32 GMT

Yeah, and as they don't know you they are qualified to give a completely unbiased and objective opinion. And point out when you're being an idiot!!