Not coping too well

Re: Not coping too well

Sharon Doran — Mon, 20 Aug 2012 13:56:32 GMT

My friend lost her soul mate, Murphy, one year ago and struggled (and is still struggling) to come to terms with it. While she had loads of support from family and friends, she still felt that a lot of people didn't understand her loss. She has created a beautiful website, www.findingmurphy.com partly as an outlet for her own grief but partly to offer some help to people who are going through (or have gone through) the devastation of losing a pet. It is heart-breakingly honest and hard to read without tissues but in it, you may find someone who totally understands what you are going through.

Re: Not coping too well

Tracy Windler RVN — Sat, 18 Aug 2012 16:03:26 GMT

Its been 15 years since my first dog, Ben passed away. It was expected and planned, but was still a huge wrench to me. I would cry spontaneously for a good year afterwards and still found it emotional talking about him, or seeing a dog with similar ears, or nose as he had, years later (luckily he was quite a unique marked collie!). Only last year we pts'd a dog with almost the same nose marking as Ben and I was very upset.

I've found it easier now I have other animals (and instead worry about when they will go!) and just remember what a fantastic friend he was, infact, more like a brother to me than a pet, as we grew up together. So don't feel bad about your emotions, but, as others have said, appreciate the good times and how much you brought to each other's lives.

Re: Not coping too well

SmegSlayer — Sat, 18 Aug 2012 07:39:56 GMT

It'll be 4 years in October since Brandy went and I still occasionally cry over her. I had her from 7 weeks old and she helped me so much through school with my M.E.

She was always there when I needed her so I promised her I would be there for her but I wasn't able to be there for her euthanasia. I'm still feel hugely guilty about this but also a bit relieved as my dad cried and in 29 years I have never seen him cry.

Re: Not coping too well

jamie gregson — Fri, 17 Aug 2012 22:55:17 GMT

Hi there is nothing to feel silly about with grieve. I pts my beloved boy 9 months ago and I am only just able to talk about him especially at work without crying, and even now it is still difficult. I lost my Grandma recently as well. Both were sudden events and I no all too well how grieve can affect day to day life. There is no time limit and there is always going to be events that bring that deep aching feeling back. I hope this helps and that anyone hurting can find comfort in happy memories.

Re: Not coping too well

Mac Feather — Fri, 17 Aug 2012 22:16:31 GMT

[quote user="Shelly vn"]as a vet nurse i should be able to cope[/quote]

Shelly, Im sorry to hear about your dog.,

I feel you have to be a bit kinder on yourself, losing a pet is a huge thing. I know Im guilty of the 'should/would/could' thing too but it really does put more pressure on you. Please dont beat yourself up, I know thats easy for me to say. And I know that as V.Ns we seem to really to rack up the guilt on ourselves.

It sounds lame but time is a great thing and just taking your grief a day at a time is the way to go, dont let anyone tell you 'You should be over this'.

Sorry Im not of more use. Take care of yourself Shelly xx

Re: Not coping too well

Caro Laithwaite VN — Fri, 17 Aug 2012 20:22:02 GMT

I know the feeling all to well l put my Ginger to sleep, no vet advice, middle of the night post fits over blocked bladder local vet refused to empty as it wasnt full enough. As Tenerife unable to bury or cremate so put him into the bin it was around 3am l made it back to bed and was crying that woke Brian up l felt bad as he was exhausted and l hadnt wanted to disturb him stupid but l am not known for sense, needless to say he was wonderful helping me and muttering about silly thing worrying about him.

There is no time limit to grief I still miss all my animals and doing what we did to our own pets puts an added emotion in that the majority of people dont have to deal with, they can agree to pts they can hold but to actually inject is not something most people will ever do.

I had Brian then but since Brian passed l have found Samaritans are very good, they have helped me a lot with Brian and the thing is you can cry down the phone they wont judge you and are easy to speak to. If a pet had died and l had trouble l wouldnt hesitate talking to them.

Re: Not coping too well

paula morgan — Fri, 17 Aug 2012 20:04:07 GMT

I know how you feel :( look on the Ralph site it is really good x

Re: Not coping too well

thebeestingbutterfly — Fri, 17 Aug 2012 18:36:36 GMT

In this life how many people can say they have a friend, that they see every day, that they live with and never argue?

A friend that is always happy to see you, and comforts you when you have had a bad day?

A friend that is there solidly (apart from the odd few hours where they may have an unauthorised adventure out of sight!)

Only people who have owned, loved and shared life with a pet will understand this!

The fact that you are a vet nurse - in my mind at least - says that you care, understand and have committed a large portion your life to the happiness and welfare of your dog. I don't think we will ever get over losses like that.

may I suggest a couple of things?

1. Remember how happy YOU made him and all of the amazing things that he got to do with you.

2. Be grateful hat we have the means to gently send our loved ones to sleep to end any suffering (at home and out of a strange hospital environment).

3. Do not feel guilt.

4. Do not forget the good times.

My heart goes out to you xXx

Re: Not coping too well

Mark Hedberg — Fri, 17 Aug 2012 08:51:44 GMT

I had a cat from the age of 4...when he died - well, let's just say that I didn't handle it particularly well. (I was 23 at the time.)

Re: Not coping too well

Shelly vn — Fri, 17 Aug 2012 08:38:19 GMT

[quote user="emmadilemma"]

Maybe you`re finding it so tough because you euthanised him yourself? I did the same with my cat and i sometimes question whether it was the right thing to do...for me that is not him. I know it was much better for him but i think i feel more guilty than if someone else had done it for me.

[/quote]

Emma - i did wonder if this made it harder, i did beat myself up for weeks after about whether or not i did the right thing. I guess in my moments of clarity i know that it was right for us, my whole family were there with no 'outsiders' to witness our grief, but it seems to make it tougher!

Re: Not coping too well

Shelly vn — Fri, 17 Aug 2012 08:35:42 GMT

[quote user="Princess Ophelia Hermione MacBeth"]

Aidan (lab x that I had for 12 years and who was my complete and utter soulmate and who made my life 'complete' in some identified way and who I was still occasionally welling up over a couple of years later).

[/quote]

Louise - This is exactly how I feel about Bailey. He was there when I moved into my first house on my own, he was there through the bad relationships and the good ones. Thanks so much for your post, it felt for the first time like someone understood how i feel right now! I guess i just have to let time heal, but its so hard!

Re: Not coping too well

emmadilemma — Thu, 16 Aug 2012 22:19:44 GMT

Being a vet nurse nurse makes no difference at all when it`s one of your own so don`t for a second think that you should be getting over this faster than anyone else. It`s okay to still be gutted after 4 months it took me longer than that to start getting over loosing my cat last year.

You just have to hang in there till the grief starts to pass...which it will! And stop acting so tough with your family...have a good cry and tell them you`re not coping well with things. It takes a lot of strength to do what you did for him so you`re more than entitled to crumble a bit now x

Re: Not coping too well

Louise B — Thu, 16 Aug 2012 16:22:52 GMT

Hi Shelley, Don't feel silly. 4 months is not a long time at all to 'get over' the loss of a member of the family. I am sure that human nurses don't get over the loss of members of their family more quickly than 'normal' people - even hospice nurses! There's a huge difference between losing a loved one and assisting with the death of another's loved one.

I lost my Aidan (big black mongrel) in March 2008 and it was a long time before I felt that I was no longer grieving for him. I did a locum for a vet practice in December 2008 and found myself in tears and unable to assist with an euthanasia because the dog and the circumstances reminded me so much of the manner in which I lost my boy. The grief just completely and unexpectedly overwhelmed me even though I had thought that I had come to terms with losing my boy. I too lost Aidan with very little notice - he was being treated for a recurring ear infection and, in the end I got the vet to g/a him to flush the ear out properly - only to find he had a nasty invasive ear tumour. He was euthanased on the table and I am sure that the grief was alot worse after his death because it was so sudden and unexpected.

I don't really have any advice other than to just say don't feel ashamed or embarrassed to be feeling this way. It is completely normal - and the lose of different pets can affect you in different ways so using how you felt after you lost your other dog is not a useful benchmark of 'how you should grieve'. I have lost loads of animals over the years and they have all affected me in different ways - from the loss of Luna (a puppy I brought home for work and had for three weeks - a quick cry and a day or two's sadness and I felt 'normal' again), to Dyson (collie x I had for circa 10 years and felt really upset for about a week and more or less back to normal not much longer after) to Aidan (lab x that I had for 12 years and who was my complete and utter soulmate and who made my life 'complete' in some identified way and who I was still occasionally welling up over a couple of years later). I actually went a bit mad after losing him and visited black dogs at shelters to 'play with' - just to try and find some way of feeling close to Aidan again (which worked on some level as each dog had 'something' - a quirk, mannerism, look - that in someway kept Aidan alive) - and ended up adopting one a month or so later. I think grief is a very personal thing - and not something you can just sort out. It will fade with time - just find sympathetic people to talk in the meantime. There is a bereavement line run by the Blue Cross / SCAS I think and they might be worth chatting to.

Hugs.

Louise x