Extremely low selfasteem

Re: Extremely low selfasteem

anonymous2 — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 16:24:42 GMT

Hey everybody,

I can't thank all of you enough for the kind words and reassurance that you have given me. I feel so much better knowing that you see where i'm coming from and it's not that i'm just not seeing things the way she does. I'm definately going to keep a diary of all running events from now and when I leave in the summer i will hand a copy along with a letter describing how I felt. It's such a shame because I have suh a good relationship with the other members of staff and as it turns out, they all see whats been going on and willing to back me up. Apparently the other nurse used to get the brunt of things until I came along.

Until then I will try and hold my head high and see the better of things.....and in fairness, the tantrum thing is kinda funny to watch. Reminds me of the tv advert of the mother and child int he supermarket where the mother takes a tantrum to stop the child from being misbehaved! Tee hee

Re: Extremely low selfasteem

roughcut — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 15:31:17 GMT

That is a horrible thing for you to be going through and something I wouldn't wish on anyone. The others have all given some amazing advice, some of it was thinking of as I read your mail and some I hadn't. So, in light of the fact that you have got excellent advice here I can't give any further ideas, I would just to offer my support even if it is by mail. Please know that you are never ever alone out there, remember you are a good person and better than this bully, think of something funny, do a silly dance (my usual trick) and that may cheer you up even for a brief moment. Smile and laugh at her silly tantrums, think how silly she looks!

Lots of luck and love to you

Ruth x

Re: Extremely low selfasteem

kennyred — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 14:49:41 GMT

Sadly this sort of thing is happens quite alot but the good news is that you dont have to put up with it.

I think you can contact the vet defence (who now help nurses out as well). Pretty sure they can provide you with a legal standpoint on your situation and give you advice on how to make this situation better for yourself.

Keep your chin up and try to tell yourself that this situation wont last for ever, surround yourself with friends who you can talk to about how you feel (its always better to get stuff off your chest!)

good luck

Re: Extremely low selfasteem

Mark Hedberg — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 14:31:22 GMT

[quote user="julie travers"]

Hey I agree with all the posts, but I would definitely think of moving because if she's married to the boss it isn't going to change. When you hand in your notice you can give them the diary and I bet she hasn't got a clue what it's doing to you. You are worth more than that, try not to let them get you down. It will be their loss at the end of the day and they will find it hard to keep staff if she's like that with everybody. Good luck

[/quote]

Give them a *copy* of the diary. ;)

Re: Extremely low selfasteem

julie cozze — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 13:45:28 GMT

Re: Extremely low selfasteem

Amanda — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 12:36:00 GMT

Chin up and don't let it get to u. At the end of the day its just "a job!" theres plenty of other jobs out there and they dont sound asif they deserve some1 as nice as u!

One think i would do if i was u, would be to reply to her comments with a big smile on yr face as this will wind her up and prove whatever she does or says doesn't bother u! Then eventually she will get board and leave u alone! x

Re: Extremely low selfasteem

Alison Clare Hickman — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 20:16:57 GMT

Firstly, I agree with all the points/suggestions raised above wholeheartedly. Secondly, I would like to blow a flipping big raspberry to the cruel pair you work with and hope that karma gets them back soon. Thirdly, here is a HUGE, BIG, WARM, SOFT, LOVING, HUG from me to you. Lastly, the diary idea is a very good one (and a useful legal tool). It is a quick, simple record of events and also a great way to vent and get those heavy feelings off your chest. Writing what happened and when they happened is essential but very importantly you need to record how you FEEL about it all. For every event/what is said/done write how it makes you feel: low, humiliated, embarrassed, angry, sick, nervous, sad, frustrated...whatever emotion you experience as a result of their treatment of you. (I am feeling sad just writing this, poor you), rest assured your emotional state can be taken into full account, and in a legal way. As far as I understand it, it is no defence for them to assert that THEY would not be offended by the same treatment. It is YOUR feelings, i.e. the feelings of the person being subjected to the treatment that count as bullying and/or harassment.

Are you a member of the BVNA? You can call their Industrial Relations Service and I am sure find some help and definitely a comforting listening ear...Speak to Nicky Ackerley HR Support on 01822 870270.

Hugs again. Try to keep your spirits and head up high. I will be thinking of you.

x x x

Re: Extremely low selfasteem

Jennifer Frost — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 13:38:29 GMT

I agree with the other replies and it is very sad to hear that you are being made to feel this way. My advice would be to start keeping a (discreet) record of particular incidents (times, dates, etc) as if you may well have a claim for constructive dismissal (see directgov for more info) in the future. This includes registering your concerns with management as soon as possible (in writing), giving them the opportunity to step in. You may well find that this is not the first incident and although I understand your concerns with making the problem worse before it gets better, you must follow the correct channels. Even if you do not decide to do anything now, things may change in the future end these details can be crucial in claims cases.

If it helps at all, people that bully or belittle others in this way are very often extremely unhappy people and trying to remember this can help to develop some compassion for them rather than fueling negative feelings.

I wish you the best of luck and no-one deserves to be made to feel like this. Work to live, not live to work.

Re: Extremely low selfasteem

Jill Macdonald — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 13:12:06 GMT

Hi there, really feel for your situation, and Mark is of course right, this is a clear case of bullying. It's awful that another member of staff can make someone else feel this way, and especially when they are (what appears to be) abusing their position. I've no doubt she knows that you are in a vulnerable position, in that is is unlikely that you will complain about her. I've also no doubt that she realises how she is making you feel, which makes it all the worse.

I suppose you just have to decide whether to just stick it out until you leave, or try and do something to improve the situation. Clearly the most constructive thing would be to talk to management, or try and arrange some kind of meeting with management and the other staff member to highlight the ways in which she is demeaning you and chipping away at your confidence - but I can see that this is difficult to do - it always is, which again, is why bullies 'win' - they know they are unlikely to be challanged.

Does anyone else in the practice relate the same experiences with this member of staff?

Have you ever challanged her when she has questioned you, and if so, how does she respond? Is this where the temper trantrums come in!?

I think quite often people can react in this way when they feel threatened - ie it might actually be that she realises how competent you are, in fact more so than her, and this threatens her feeling of superiority in the practice and makes her try to bring you down. It might be worth you trying to point out to her how good a nurse you think she is (even if it's not true - try and find something you think she does well) and see if this changes anything.

I certainly think this is something that would benefit from intervention from management though - this person obviously doesn't have her emotions under control, and is making another member of staff miserable - against the law, very unpleasant and unprofessional. She will no doubt do this to every nurse that walks through the door, you are probably one in a long line! Putting a stop to this now will benefit you and others, and the practice.

It might be worth just starting with a letter to the management outlining how you feel, and take it from there.

You may also get some useful advice from Vetlife: http://www.vetlife.org.uk/ They are set up to deal with all sorts of pressures that vets and nurses face in practice, and I am sure bullying is pretty high on the list.

Re: Extremely low selfasteem

Mark Hedberg — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 07:32:32 GMT

[quote user="staceyvn"]

u know what the term is for people like that chuck??.....big fish in a little pond! scrape ur chin up off the floor and be confident in what u do! easier said than done im sure but be happy in the knowledge that ur not mentally unstable ! her hubby obviously needs to grow a pair and put his wifey in her place! ps i hate bullies ! she obviously needs to validate her own worth by trampling on other people!

[/quote]

The other term for that is "workplace bullying" and is against the law. This can end up being very expensive for her or your practice should it go down the legal route...

Re: Extremely low selfasteem

staceyvn — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 03:45:18 GMT