personal problem

Re: personal problem

Caro Laithwaite VN — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 07:29:25 GMT

No it isnt normal behaviour, tell her you want her to back off for a couple of weeks to think and look to slowly withdrawing from her, Be careful dropping her with a clean cut it may be nastier that was as you have found out. Don't invite her round make excuses not to go out with her and may also be worth talking to one of the local gay charities they could probably help with this.

Re: personal problem

hissycat — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 00:07:13 GMT

Thanks for the replies everyone. She is now denying the whole thing ever happened and blaming it on having had a drink and not knowing what she said, despite texting both me and my friend about it on numerous occasions after! All the evidence is to the contrary and what she now says is contradicting all she said in the days after. She also turned up at my home and sat outside for 40 minutes knocking and ringing, I felt too upset to go out as i didn't want a confrontation at my home but she then tracked me down to a friends house and tried to convince me it was a misunderstanding. I don't know if this is normal behaviour, if I had upset a friend I would give a few days to think then text or email. I have asked that we have some distance from each other. Why can't life be simple?

Re: personal problem

A Little TLC — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 21:20:41 GMT

This happened to me too. I was just honest, and said that I was really flattered and all that kind of stuff, but that I was straight, and it just wouldn't happen. I said I didn't want to lose her as a friend, and would it be ok with her if we just carried on like that. Then I joked that if I ever felt that way inclined, she'd be the first to know, lol! That hasn't happened, haha, and we are still friends. Its never been awkward between us at all.. Honesty is the best policy. :)

Re: personal problem

therainyj — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 10:48:41 GMT

Hey, This is a little different but my best guy mate lost the plot when I started seeing someone, I didn't even know he liked me! I tried to stay friends and assure him nothing had changed but he slagged me off to anyone who would listen and slept with my weak-willed female friends to try to get back at me. He succeeded too - my best female friend is now sleeping with him, and 2 other guys, and she won't have anything to do with me anymore. My point really is that once feelings get involved, get out. It changes people and ruins friendships. It's probably not what you want to hear but having lost a lot of friends because of one person's feelings for me, I'd say cut your losses. You don't have to alienate her, but treat her politely and keep at arms length. Hope this helps.

Re: personal problem

hissycat — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 21:57:50 GMT

wow thats exactly the situation I didn't want to find myself in! its nice to hear from someone whos been through the same thing though. At first I thought she was just a bit of a possessive friend, as some people are, but knowing what I do now things have taken on a whole new meaning, but then I don't want to make something out of nothing either, if that makes sense. She has on numerous occasions reacted with what I would call jealousy when I have spoken to male friends and even female friends, and seems unhappy with me seeing ex colleagues alone. She even went as far as to say she hated one of my male friends who is actually a nice guy I have known for ages, aside from that he has a live in girlfriend.. also reacted with horror when I was asked out by someone I had met, it made me feel as if I was doing something immoral and wrong by thinking of going on a date This is the main issue I have. I think it is better to put some distance between us but then I don't want her to feel I am no longer prepared to be her friend or that she is being rejected because of who she is, but then if she cannot be happy for me when I find a partner what kind of friendship would that be? To make matters worse we are on the same course so will have to see each other regularly for at least another year. I just don't know what to do for the best

Re: personal problem

Kim Buckley — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 21:46:50 GMT

Had the exact same thing happen to me. Was a horrible situation and we are no longer friends as she turned nasty towards me. I wish it hadn't ended like this but it does make you think that your whole friendship was a lie. If only I wasn't so naive!

Re: personal problem

flow * — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 20:46:21 GMT

I also have no problem with gay people and have friends who are. Its just when its forced on me like it was Im not happy that way. It shouldnt be ok just because were the same sex. If it was a man then it would be taken serious. Please dont let her use your friendship to manipulate you into situations and also stop you from meeting a partner etc xx

Re: personal problem

flow * — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 20:43:37 GMT

I can totally understand where your coming from. one of my close friends was gay. Well she never admitted this but it came out that she had feelings for me. . We had always been really close and I was so confused when she told me. I didnt understand why she had been my friend and now telling me she was in love with me.her own words. She became very intense and eventually turned nasty. she did push herself onto me and would slag me off behind my back to turn men against me. In the end I had to cut myself away from her completely. This was when we where younger and thought maybe things had changed. she spoke to a friend as she wanted to get in touch but then found out she still had feelings for me still. so Im not going to risk it. luckly she moved away so it made it alot easier to keep away from each other. I did and still do miss the friendship we had before this all happened but I know it could never happen as she cant except that. I hope this helps. If you want to chat and want to know more etc just pm me. xx

Re: personal problem

hissycat — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 17:16:11 GMT

To be honest I squeezed it out of her, she has been a friend for 17 yrs so i think she meant well. She knew I thought something was up so I would have been much more annoyed if this had dragged on and then i'd found out later. I have spoken to my friend about it and she wants to carry on as normal but I just don't know if I can, i've found out that she hasn't been particularly nice to my male friends and that worries me. Whatever the circumstances it isn't fair to sabotage my relationships with other people. I actually feel a bit annoyed because we have been friends for two years and if she was developing other feelings I feel that she should have said something, i feel a bit cheated, like the whole friendship was based on a lie with the relationship meaning something completely different to her than it did to me. I don't understand why she didn't distance herself from me, as I would with a male friend if I knew they didn' t share my feelings.

Re: personal problem

Steph Phillips — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 16:04:11 GMT

[quote user="Selena (Hypnorm) Carnell VN"]if she has not spoken to you directly about it then i would carry on as normal, you never know if this other person could be trying to stir things up. If she is your closest friend then she should know you are straight. Your other friend should never have told you, that was unfair of her.

[/quote]

I agree! Was not her place to tell you in the begining.

Re: personal problem

Selena Carnell — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 08:20:43 GMT

if she has not spoken to you directly about it then i would carry on as normal, you never know if this other person could be trying to stir things up. If she is your closest friend then she should know you are straight. Your other friend should never have told you, that was unfair of her.

Re: personal problem

Steph Phillips — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 14:21:25 GMT

You say she's your closest friend? if she was to approach you, you ahould be able to talk to her about how you feel.. and I bet she does not want to ruin the friendship she has with you, so will most probably understand! You both might be laughing about this in a few months. Bottom line is.. this must be harder for her than anyone else.. firstly to admit she's gay, secondly - having feelings for her best friend..

Either way.. you both need to be strong for eachother .. xxx

Re: personal problem

Susan Jackson — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 16:42:53 GMT

I don't think you can carry on as normal. You have already admitted it's an awkward situation. You have to be honest with her, one as friends go we don't lie to one another (we save that for family!). You can't pretend to be her friend which is what you would be doing if you swept it under the carpet. It's not a plesent situation but it will ruin your friendship gradually.

Tell her you know and know how she feels but you don't feel the same way. Explain you want to stay friends but that you don't want to hurt her feeling. If she chooses then not to hang around because it hurts her too much when she see's you with other people, then that's her choice. If she moves on to find someone else and you remain good friends, she'll realise that she has someone she can trust, and maybe next time she'll trust you to tell you herself.

I'm sure this will be an akward time but it's best to get it sorted and not let it drag on for weeks and months.

Re: personal problem

Rachael_24 — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 16:31:32 GMT

Hi,

I agree with Steph's comments. Personally I would try to keep tings normal (although that's probably easier said than done!) Of course, it may be the case that the friend who she confided in has already told her that you know? That would then change things, in which case you need to sit down and have a chat. You say that you are worried about 'leading her on' but try not to! You should continue to treat her as you treat all of your close female friends. It just needs to made clear that you are not attracted to her and never will be.

I hope things work out ok for you both x

Re: personal problem

Steph Worsley — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 12:21:24 GMT

I would carry on as normal, this isn't going to be an easy time for her and she's going to have to pluck up the courage to speak to you about this at some point, I have a feeling she is worried that if she does approach you it may ruin your friendship as well so she may keep quiet about it.

Not the easiest of situations for you to be in but I would still be there for her as a good friend should and then cross the attraction bridge if and when she decides to speak to you about it