Children?!

Re: Children?!

Mac Feather — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 22:12:08 GMT

[quote user="Tracy Windler RVN"] I know someone who hit 36 and suddenly decided they wanted babies[/quote]

Yep, that sounds like me- was 34 when it kicked in. Well it aint easy thats for sure!

Re: Children?!

Steph Worsley — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 22:07:56 GMT

I've always know that I have wanted children, I was wanting to have them (or at least 1) by the time I was 30...just hit 30 and still no kids, however this is down to circumstance, I have not been in a steady relationship for the past 5 years, I am paying off serious debt that my ex left me with. Things are just changing I have exactly 2 years left of paying off the debts so the end is in sight, love life is picking up

As long as we get stable then I know we will try for kids, however I want the debts out of the way before I would need to go on maternity,

the back of my mind always holds the fact that my mum had PCOS and I have had several abnormal smears, so who knows how easily i will concieve but hey ho what will be will be!

Re: Children?!

Tracey Louise — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 21:48:56 GMT

[quote user="Stella Skelton SVN MBVNA"]

Hi Polly,

I was literally exactly the same as you until a few weeks ago! I don't know what happened! That's why I'm rather confused...I don't generally like other people's kids...i find them highly annoying...but i now definitely want my own child...weird!! x

[/quote]

Read my previous post, i was the same too. didnt like children, still dont. but my own is an absolute precious angel from heaven.

I am 31 by the way, was 29 wen i changed my mind lol

Re: Children?!

Polly P — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 20:38:10 GMT

ARGHHHHH! Don't say that you're scaring the crap out of me!

Re: Children?!

Stella Skelton RVN — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 19:21:39 GMT

Hi Polly,

Re: Children?!

Mac Feather — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 12:43:36 GMT

[quote user="Gillian Mostyn"]expect babies to just appear on demand when they hit 40. [/quote]

I wonder if seeing certain celebrities in their 40's having children kind of perpetuates that expectance of 'babies should appear when we want/decide'.

We dont see the whole story with these 40 something pregnant celebrities- for all we know that have gone through IVF, fertility treaments. Who knows?

It just grates on me a tad when people say 'oh but these days you see lots of women on the telly in their 40's manage to have children so why cant you?' Well if I knew that I wouldnt be childless would I?

Re: Children?!

Tracy Windler RVN — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 10:51:03 GMT

Polly, I don't think there's anything weird about not wanting to have children. There's nothing concrete out there that tells us how we should feel or think. You sound like you are being pragmatic and sensible about the issue. I know someone who hit 36 and suddenly decided they wanted babies, though! But for me, it started much earlier, so I think you're safe !

I sometimes get frustrated with the control my pesky hormones have on my life!! When I hear babies crying, its like someone has tied something to my chest and is pulling at it. Its very strange!!

Re: Children?!

Polly P — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 06:34:36 GMT

Lots of people saying about wanting kids but the time isn't right and they're not sure when it will be...

There's an old Jewish saying, 'it's rarely the 'right' time to have a baby, but it's rarely the wrong time for sex...'

I am 32 and don't want kids and never have. I don't feel anything when I see a baby or a child. If I hear a kid crying, I will automatically look to see where the Mother is and that it's ok, but I don't 'feel' anything... Yet let me hear an unhappy sounding miaow and it's like someone poked me in the heart, I'll be out in the middle of the night in the pouring rain crawling through gutters and under cars...

I have seen a couple of friends suddenly go from being just like me to suddenly desperately wanting kids urgently and doing everything in their power to concieve, and fast... One of them literally the day she hit 30, went from 'kids, slightly annoying' to 'must. breed. now.' overnight. As unlikely as I think it is, I am kind of worried this might happen to me.

As I don't have any maternal feelings or really any positive feelings at all over kids, and initially didn't so much 'decide' I didn't want any as simply 'know' I didn't want any.

Not only do I not have any feelings for kids, but I do think that with my health issues and family history as well as my general emotional state that having kids would be terrible both for them and for me.

People definately view me as weird for thinking like I do, and often when in conversation about these things either simply don't know what to say to me, look at me sideways as if I'm slightly untrustworthy, or confidently say 'you will, wait and see.'

Re: Children?!

Mrs Dot Dot — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 22:48:29 GMT

[quote user="tracey mullins"]

Mrs Dot Dot,

I love your post, its very honest and gives people other options to consider.

Fantastic post! x

[/quote]

Thank you

Re: Children?!

Stella Skelton RVN — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 22:45:56 GMT

Wow! I've just read everything on here...been away from it for a few days....thank you all for your comments, support and various points of view...i do appreciate it...i totally understand not being financially secure...and i don't want to leave it much later than 30 really, ideally have a child before that...i will be in a better position for a child in 2 years (when it may approximately arrive) and will have help and support from friends and OH's parents who live close by...and i use Freecycle all the time...it's awesome...once i get the 'yes' from OH i will start collecting baby stuff in preparation...i'm going to try and start saving now and i'll only have a year left of my debts after the child may arrive....it's looking up...i now just have to hope it works well physically...i'm so, so sorry to hear about all of your negative situations...it sounds so awful i just can't imagine it at the moment...HUGS to you all...

Steph: I know what you've been through and i've never liked seeing you so upset and devastated...i hate it...i'll talk to you more on Wednesday...I'm sure you'll want to have me explain myself...ha ha ha....loves you babes!!!

Good luck to all of you trying...I'm quite happy that I've started a thread where we've all discussed our situations on here...that's why i love this site...everybody can share and get advice, help and feel better or help others...it's wonderful

Re: Children?!

Tracey Louise — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 22:13:21 GMT

Mrs Dot Dot,

I love your post, its very honest and gives people other options to consider.

Fantastic post! x

Re: Children?!

Mrs Dot Dot — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 22:06:36 GMT

This is such an emotive subject..... I am in my 40's now and childless (such a horrible word!) .... I have a dog..... big time child substitute...... and 4 cats.....I never thought seriously about having children for various reasons... never had a long longterm serious relationship/ never been financially secure... always been a vet nurse!/ never 100% sure what family support you will receive/ don't want to rely on it anyway / time just passes you by before you know it/...... I 'm sure I will regret it it as I get older... and to be honest I probably do a little bit now but what can you do if it doesn't happen?...... some words from my beloved Granpa who passed in May of this year aged 97, and who was one of my heros in life.... simple but true words... 'if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be'..... one of my friends is due a third baby in December (same age as me and other 2 are 20 an 22)... alll I can think about is that she has food issues and isn't eating enough to support a baby and herself, and that she will be 60 odd when he is 20.... negative or realistic?

There are alot of people around in similar situations to me, (I am beginning to realise this more and more) or if not, then childless.... it is hard but if you are in that situation, it is not the end of the world, and at least you have your health, the majority of times, and I know it's normal to have children, but not everyone can, due to varying circumstances, but it can be normal NOT to have children, for whatever reasons....... I think what I am trying to say is, however hard it is, there are always people alot worse off than you in more difficult circumstances, or different situations.... however cliched that sounds it is so true... so I know how easy it is to say that but there are always other opportunities... adoption/ fostering/ schemes to help out etc etc

I hope this doesn't sound too casual and blase because I know how important having children is/ can be in peoples lives but I just wanted to put another (maybe not so depressing) side to the comments on here.

PS I love kids.... they are the best thing going... honest, upfront, good fun and trusting...... I often temporarily adopt friends children and I have a little friend who is now 12 who I have know from since before she was born and we regularly go out/ do stuff ... don't how much longer it will last because of the dreaded teenage thing..... But she also has an awful lot to get to grips with at some point, as she gets older.... mum rejected her, dad useless, lives with her gran etc etc and I hope I can at least be there whenever needed and maybe be mething stable in her life, but who knows..........

Re: Children?!

Tracey Louise — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 21:41:10 GMT

[quote user="Phrin SVN"]

The point of my post is, don't put it off, you will find a way to cope! Especially with a supportive fella by your side. You get supplemental income from the goverment if you are on a low wage (as we all are!), plus child benefit, maternity grants etc.

[/quote]

Please dont rely on getting any money from the government, especially in this climate. My daughter is 15 months old, i didnt get a maternity grant, or any supplemental income. The only thing i get is child benefit £80 or so every 4 weeks. (which i must admit does help a little) and is better than nothing i suppose).

My mortgage is £700 a month, we cant sell our house and buy a cheaper one (havin been trying for over a year). I had no choice but to return to work 4 days a week and put my daughter into childcare, which costs me between £400-£500 a month.

But with this in mind, and although I am not overly happy with having to work so many hours and put my baby into childcare, it works for us, and that is the way we get by. I just wish I could spend more time with my daughter, especially as she changes so much nearly everyday

But the time I do get to spend with her is now ever so precious and it gives me something to look forward to

Re: Children?!

Steph Phillips — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 21:17:22 GMT

[quote user="Phrin SVN"]

The perfect time will never come - if you want it - go for it while you are of an age with a good chance of childbearing - you will manage, and financial strife (from what I have seen / heard) is a walk in the park compared to infertility or miscarriages - I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy...

[/quote]

Spot on with that comment Phrin!! well, your whole post actually, but this sentence I 100% agree with x

Re: Children?!

Phrin Vernon RVN — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 20:59:39 GMT

For those who are wanting to have kids, but worrying and waiting - My son was born in 2005, I was 25 at the time, and had a casual relationship with 'Dad' - little man wasn't planned and totally threw a spanner in the works, and turned my life upside down!

But, I coped, and have continued to do so. We struggle, but we get by - it does actually all work out! 'Dad' disappeared VERY quickly, and tbh I am glad he did - I was at a bad place when lil man was concieved, and that man would only be a negative influence.

Friends and family will rally round without even being asked - hand me downs are easy to come by via freecycle and kept my lil one clothed for a couple of years if not more! Now he is more aware of his clothes, but doesn't know the difference between a charity shop & next

Re: Children?!

loobylou — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 16:05:28 GMT

Having children was something me and my oh had talked about and decided we did want to do but never really made firm plans about when.
My best friend had her first little boy just over 2 years ago and her second 18 mths later and although I love them to bits and they made me think about having my own I wasn't so broody that I thought I have to have babies right now!
It was actually my oh who made the decision and said he thought I ought to come off the pill as I had been on it for 10 years and it might take some time for everything to settle down. If he hadn't had made that decision I think I would have always been cautious about it not being the right time.
Making that decision to stop taking those little pills I had taken every day for 10 years was absolutely terrifying to me- almost like I was choosing to turn my life upside down- in a good way though!
We were very lucky and it didnt take long for me to fall pregnant- I am now 7 mths gone and very excited for my due day in Jan. However those few months inbetween when I didnt fall pregnant were quite emotional, I'm not sure how long I could have carried on waiting each month for something that never happened. It never even occured to me that I might not be able to have babies!
At 27 I still feel very young to be a parent but I'm not sure I would have wanted to wait any longer.
Thinking of myself as a parent fills me with excitement, pride, horror, worry and eveything else in between.
I definately agree that there is never a perfect time to have children, we aren't in a bad position right now but we could certainly be better.
If you wait for the perfect time it will never come, there will always be a bill to pay, or a car that breaks or somewhere you have to be!

Re: Children?!

Tracy Windler RVN — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 15:50:27 GMT

I think, perhaps, the tone of the thread might have been lost on you a little. (Which I have a tendancy to do sometimes too!). I don't think anyone is attacking you, I have a difference of opinion from you and am inclined to voice my opinion more often than not. I'm sorry if I have caused offence. I genuinely thought the general tone of this thread was supportive and sympathetic.

Unfortunately, this is a subject very close to my heart (and as I might have hinted at!) has caused me a lot of heartache recently. I felt that due to your original post, you said you were putting off having children until after you have travelled and this is something that someone at 32 suffering from fertility problems would not do. Perhaps an inaccurate assumption. I hope this does not put you off posting in the future, but I have learnt to not take things to heart too much on here!

Re: Children?!

Heidi Young — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 15:09:03 GMT

[quote user="Tracy Windler RVN"]

[quote user="Heidi Young"]I got that information fresh from a GP yesterday, I would'nt just advise my own limited knowledge of fertility, also I did add "unless it affects your cycle" which Im sure in many cases it does hence the trouble with conceiving. [/quote]

Sorry, but in my experience many GP's are notoriously badly informed with regards to fertility problems. I have been told numerous different things about our issues by different GP's. I am very reluctant to tell people "everything will be fine, leave it a few years, get everything out of the way etc", when I have had such a bad experience.

I just cannot emphasize to you enough how devastating this situation is and I really hope you will never learn, first hand, what it is like in my situation.

[/quote]

How do you know Im not in your situation? I think this post was a little uncalled for, I never said 'everything will be fine'.

This is obviously a very sensitive issue for alot of women and I merely thought I would help the original poster with some advice straight from a GP which would always be someone's first port of call with fertility trouble, and have somehow managed to get attacked from more than one angle.

I wont be posting on here again as now and in the past I find some people can be quite aggresive.

Apologies to the original poster, Im sure you've ended up with more information than you wanted!

Re: Children?!

Gillian Mostyn — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 08:38:27 GMT

Oh - and although you do need to be financially secure to have children, ie house, food on the table etc., a healthy child is actually not that expensive at all! There's loads of secondhand gear available and people who have older children are usually all too happy to get rid of all the unused clutter. They don't get expensive until much older.

Re: Children?!

Gillian Mostyn — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 08:35:14 GMT

I didn't mean my statistics to scare anyone into rushing into childbearing!!! I suppose I just get really frustrated by modern attitudes to fertility. Women are being convinced that their body will wait until they get all their ambitions out of the way. That health and fertility are something that is static. I think men do have a part to play in that deception as they are all too happy to wait, considering their bodies don't change in the same way (Arlo - three cheers to your wife!! ) But women aren't the same - age does have a massive impact. You wouldn't get a breeding bitch, but decide to wait to breed her until she is 6 or 7, and then expect her fertility, or ability to have a healthy birth, to be the same as it was at 2. Speaking purely biologically, we shouldn't be putting it off!

IVF is a wonderful facility, and IMHO should be free and unlimited for those devastated couples who have the heartache of fertility problems. That may be due to age, as they met when older, but the problem is still very real and they should receive all the help availiable. But I think there are too many women spending their 20s and 30s travelling/building up their careers/generally 'living it up' who then expect babies to just appear on demand when they hit 40. When they don't they then expect the NHS to fund all their fertility treatment when, at the end of the day, they took a choice in life NOT to have children when their fertility was intact. Therefore the NHS has to limit what fertility treatment the people who truly deserve it can receive. Very wrong. In my opinion.

Maybe we should be doing a better job of educating our teenage girls that YES they can have 'it all' including a career, go travelling etc but that your fertility will last about 20 years - don't expect it to last forever!

Re: Children?!

Steph Phillips — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 08:07:01 GMT

[quote user="Shelly vn"]everyone keeps telling me that we'll never afford one and you just somehow manage! I'm 29 now and i'm afraid to wait too long.[/quote]

Hand on heart, that is true, .. you DO just 'somehow' manage, probably because you have to .. xxx

Re: Children?!

BengalcatRVN — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 23:56:27 GMT

Hugsssss to everyone

Re: Children?!

Tracy Windler RVN — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 22:38:21 GMT

[quote user="Emma Kerry"]

Right now, I really couldn't give a child everything they would want. I was in tears last night over our financial situation and, while I agree there is never a perfect time, I don't think it would be fair now. Wish I could say different, and I am concerned about it all.

[/quote]

Aww, Emma, I hope I havn't made you paranoid about the situation. At 26 you've got a good few years ahead of you just yet! Gillian posted an interesting set of statistics about women's fertility in respect of age, at the start of this post.

I worry a lot about our financial situation too, but there's a while before children start to get seriously expensive and you'll be surprised how many hand-me-downs and second hand items you can get away with in the first few years! A friend of mine had her first 3 children while her husband was still at vet school and she wasn't working. What children really need is someone to love and cherish them.

Re: Children?!

Tracey Louise — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 21:34:54 GMT

[quote user="Emma Kerry"]

[/quote]

I think you are the most sensible person i have heard! if you are financially unstable, you definately need to look at that before planning a family. I hope you can get help with that, theres nothing worse than the burden of money, it depresses you, and that in itself is not healthy.

But like i said earlier, if you waited for the perfect time, chances are, that would never happen. But if you can sort your finances a little and then you will just 'know' when the time is right like i did

Re: Children?!

Shelly vn — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 18:11:48 GMT

[quote user="Emma Kerry"]

[/quote]

Big Emma, i can sympathise x